Just past midnight. Happy birthday to the brother I am distant from. A few years ago, would’ve been 5 of them, I was on a train ride home from Philadelphia where I was visiting my uncle. I was writing an entry, aptly enough titled “Train Ride” that detailed the state of the union of my life at that point in my life. And here I am, ironically enough, doing it once more on my brother’s birthday.
I had all my hopes up, looking forward to tomorrow since the last I saw her, and after midnight my horoscope brings nothing but positive elation. From a beloved copy/paste:
You’re hit with a big dose of flirtatious energy — use it for all your worth. It’s a big idea day for you once again!
And then, something else, something that I would’ve totally would go, 110%:
From the moment you wake up today, you are a non-stop flirt! Your sweetie will be driven wild by the way you tease and torment them. All this leads up to an evening neither of you will soon forget.
Not even two minutes, just mere seconds later, a text asking to postpone our events one more day. Like I have a say in it anyway.
Dear Lord, a prayer to you:
Why? Simply, why? Why am I wasting my time on all of this? There has to be a reason that I’m willing to put up with this for now, to see this through. I sure hope I get what I want in the end of it. “Not right you can’t be” she responded to my bark of how, oh wait, that back part of my horoscope didn’t apply to me – because we aren’t in a relationship. Sigh.
[Plays "Untitled 2". Again. Too many times]
Anyway, as I was saying Lord, why? Why doesn’t she stand up and just get back here to spend what time is left with me. He had his chance, he screwed it up from the start, and is now cutting in on what short amount of time is left for now. I was just talking to my Stepdad about all this and how I was trying my best to be positive but when shit like this happens, I just can’t. I have to get upset. I just sent a text that won’t see a response probably. Whatever. At least I spoke my mind. Gave my say that I apparently have but feel I don’t anyway.
“All the time we get by try to figure out our lives like a feeling.“
I’ve never wanted to just let out a big sigh over something in all of my life. And you know what sucks, I have no one to turn to at the moment and I’d just love to talk to someone about it. The best friend, he’ll just say “fuck her, she is obviously not worth it,” yet I keep wanting to make her worth it. For some reason, by Monday night when I finally get to see her, I’ll be ok I guess. Probably not, for the way things sound, and according to her word-for-word, she is “Trying to figure everything out though it is not going to plan”. I’ll put money down on she’ll be the pushover and take him back any way and I, as always, wasted my time holding out on everything.
See, when I break up with someone, that usually means all plans with them in the future become null in void. Even if they are two months in advance so you can meet his family. Makes. No. Sense.
Love sure knows how to wear me out, wear me down.
