“Untitled 2″

Just past midnight.  Happy birthday to the brother I am distant from.  A few years ago, would’ve been 5 of them, I was on a train ride home from Philadelphia where I was visiting my uncle.  I was writing an entry, aptly enough titled “Train Ride” that detailed the state of the union of my life at that point in my life.  And here I am, ironically enough, doing it once more on my brother’s birthday.

I had all my hopes up, looking forward to tomorrow since the last I saw her, and after midnight my horoscope brings nothing but positive elation.  From a beloved copy/paste:

You’re hit with a big dose of flirtatious energy  — use it for all your worth.  It’s a big idea day for you once again!

And then, something else, something that I would’ve totally would go, 110%:

From the moment you wake up today, you are a non-stop flirt! Your sweetie will be driven wild by the way you tease and torment them. All this leads up to an evening neither of you will soon forget.

Not even two minutes, just mere seconds later, a text asking to postpone our events one more day.  Like I have a say in it anyway.

Dear Lord, a prayer to you:

Why? Simply, why?  Why am I wasting my time on all of this?  There has to be a reason that I’m willing to put up with this for now, to see this through.  I sure hope I get what I want in the end of it.  “Not right you can’t be” she responded to my bark of how, oh wait, that back part of my horoscope didn’t apply to me – because we aren’t in a relationship.  Sigh.

[Plays "Untitled 2". Again. Too many times]

Anyway, as I was saying Lord, why? Why doesn’t she stand up and just get back here to spend what time is left with me.  He had his chance, he screwed it up from the start, and is now cutting in on what short amount of time is left for now.  I was just talking to my Stepdad about all this and how I was trying my best to be positive but when shit like this happens, I just can’t.  I have to get upset.  I just sent a text that won’t see a response probably.  Whatever.  At least I spoke my mind.  Gave my say that I apparently have but feel I don’t anyway.

“All the time we get by try to figure out our lives like a feeling.“

I’ve never wanted to just let out a big sigh over something in all of my life.  And you know what sucks, I have no one to turn to at the moment and I’d just love to talk to someone about it.  The best friend, he’ll just say “fuck her, she is obviously not worth it,” yet I keep wanting to make her worth it.  For some reason, by Monday night when I finally get to see her, I’ll be ok I guess.  Probably not, for the way things sound, and according to her word-for-word, she is “Trying to figure everything out though it is not going to plan”.  I’ll put money down on she’ll be the pushover and take him back any way and I, as always, wasted my time holding out on everything.

See, when I break up with someone, that usually means all plans with them in the future become null in void.  Even if they are two months in advance so you can meet his family.  Makes. No. Sense.

Love sure knows how to wear me out, wear me down.

“The Past And Pending”

Been a few days since posting.  Lots of thoughts running through my mind – transcribed lines here and there, on my brain, and then they disappeared, probably never to be remembered.

This time next week I’ll be on vacation – that means that one of two things occur.  I either take a real vacation – free from work, life, thinking, or I think even more.  Brain goes in to overdrive and I write alot.  So we shall see what happens there.

Just came across this in iTunes. The title sums up what I wanted this post to be about anyway.

So, I was reading an acquaintance’s MySpace blog, their last entry dated months ago talking about how 2008 has been perfect. Really, really great to them to use exact quotes.  I don’t know what I can say of 2008 thus far.  At the end of it all, I’d say it would be as shitty and indifferent so far as 2007, but 2008 isn’t over yet and hasn’t treated me nearly as bad as 2007.  Not nearly as many nights laying awake, staring at ceilings, shedding tears, listening to “Dreams Of Leaving”.  Work is ok, I’m happy where that’s going to an extent, but I am starting to see why other co workers would start to get paranoid.  Maybe I am starting to get paranoid, too.  Who knows.

We’re on the same page, me and her, for the most part.  She’s the reason 2008 has been good to me.  You can wake up and she’ll either be in my arms, or eyes closed facing me, breathing silently, and everything seems to be so peaceful.  It’s why presently I’m ok with everything for the most part.  While we are on the same page in that we have a mutual agreement that are feelings for one another are equal, she isn’t ready to budge.  She doesn’t want to take that one step – giant to some, in progression’s case logical – due to a small infraction.  I see her point, odds are I probably couldn’t and trust her and would be let down yet again in the end.  But why not give it a shot, the ole college try? Don’t let one shitty relationship and some guy from four years ago define you in your love life for good.  Please give me a chance.  Give us a chance.  It sounds that we could see ourselves enough that I would be pleased to an exent.  Of course I, too, wish things would be different, but it’s not for now.  We both know this is shitty, we acknowledge that it sucks.  Guess I will just take your advice – suck it up, realize that it is what it is, and continue to ask God to make this work.  To this date I hold no regrets and I still mean what I said 24 hours ago.  If it’s right forever so be it, I don’t mind.

I guess as a whole 2008 has been shitty and indifferent thus far, save for these last several weeks.  Few more months to go until the final votes are in and we make one last tally to decide.

Eh.

“New Take” (1)

I don’t know what to do
About me and you
I should just call it all off
Quit while I’m ahead
But I’m in too deep
Baby, I can’t sleep
I have no secrets to keep
I wish there was no distance to run
I wish this was more fun

And when the clouds break
And when I’m not feeling safe
I’ll want you to be there to hold me tight
To lay by my side all throughout the night

I want to be with you
I do, I do
Even when I’m feeling blue
You can cheer me up

Won’t you give this a try
You don’t have to let it die
We can make it work for a while
I’d do it all for your smile

For, I want to see this through
I do, I do
I want to show you that I’m true
I want to more than you friend
I’d like to take this to the end

Silence

What am I supposed to do about all of this?

Yes, of course I know what I want, but I don’t want to hurt you by actually telling you the truth. I don’t want to necessarily lie, either, but one word comes to mind once you are gone: trust.  Let’s say luck would work my way and we would make an attempt at something, I know for a fact I couldn’t trust you, given certain statements you have made to me recently.  Sure, I could say it right now that I trust you but that is because you are here, but once you are gone, I cannot lie, I know I would feel insecure.  What fun would that be.

So, here we are, flipping coins and trying to decide whether or not to turn the stake that much more.

“It Was Written In Heart Signs, Faintly”

You called me earlier, called from a place neither of us wanted you to be, at least under those circumstances.  I just let you talk – it’s all I wanted to do was just to let you have a moment to breathe and say whatever it is you needed to say.  Whatever you wanted to say.

You informed me that you spoke of me to members of your extended family in a positive light.  Mine only knows of you that way as well.  I honestly regret not having you watch the fireworks with us.  It would’ve been one of my favorite nights of the summer; favorite nights of the year.

I’m such a planner.  I know how our last night out will end, the same way the first night out did what with the pastries and the harbor.  Outside of that, I have no idea.  I wish to do something thoughtful, something meaningful, something you’ll never forget.  A reminder of that summer in the city.  A reminder of that guy who made you feel special (I hope).  A reminder of that guy who treated you like a girl.  That’s all I wanted to do in the end any way – treat you how you should be treated.  I’m sure in the end it won’t get me more than what we’ve already shared.  I guess I need to be more accepting of that.

I want to fall through the clouds to some place, where the kissing never ever stops

“El Mañana”

or: Summer days don’t know me no more

This morning, I was walking to work.  3/4 awake, 1/4 trapped in my own lull. That Gorillaz remix of “El Mañana” playing on repeat, soundtracking the walk from Copley Square to the office.

I was thinking, playing back, the last several hours in reverse.  The hard read on the packed like a sardine T ride off the C line.  Waking up to you.  Taking a phone call that we didn’t know was actually tragedy.  Waking up several times before we had to from the bright morning sun. 3AM was as sweaty and rough as it was sweet and relaxed.  “You’re pretty amazing yourself.”   The more than passionate embrace you delivered before that statement, after reading words off a computer screen.  Out of breath, exclaiming your name, wanting to follow it with such a defining statement, but I was instead just lost for words.  The first time we tussled, rolled around, back and forth.  Lambchop, High Places.  Eels, Quiet Village.  The order in which events took place start to get blurry.  Dinner was a smash. The dog seemed to like me.

or: Cause I do know love

I got to work tired, but satisfied.  I discussed with a few close friends not from the office what had transpired those hours ago.  “You need to slowly step away” said one, “She’s insecure and you make her feel so much better” was from another.

Lord I’m fine

So now, what do we do? Fork’s in the road up ahead. Time is not on our side.  More lost due to unforseen circumstances.  I’ll return from vacation and that will be that.  Then again, maybe that’s what is for the best, we’ll never know.  I just will still wish, for now, that thinks could be much different.

Maybe in time, you’ll want to be mine.

Initial Transmission.

Why this one? Why now? I have no idea.  For awhile, I’ve kicked around the name of John Q. Blogger, and I wanted it to stick and I wanted it to  have it’s own place in the universe.  I’ll probably make it like that Fountain of **s* blog that was started, and deleted, many moons ago.

What’s the idea behind this one? Again, no idea.  I have one blog that’s all music, but I figure this one can be very me musically – talk new music, talk old music, talk whatever.  What is the “whatever” you ask? I’d say whatever I want it to be but that’s kind of lame.  I guess I just want some place where I can talk about everything, public or private, and not hide it.  Someone will stumble upon all this and it will be great.  Someone else may stumble upon all this and the turnout might not be so hot.

So, with that said, I end this initial communique and move ahead, god speed, as we await to see what actually becomes of this.

Yes, I have fallen for you.